The Approach

The attitude that we possess when we are entering a new situation has a great deal to offer towards the outcome being strongly positive or considerably miserable. Facing storms in our days takes a great deal of preparation and courage: not one person truly likes unrequested emergencies, challenging circumstances and heartbreaks. Being prepared for some of them lessens the pain and amount of tears shed. But they happen and sometimes they seem to pop up like pimples on a smooth face. 

Our position in the family as father has a direct impact on decisions made and the depth of the family’s self-esteem.

The skill set of a Sailboat Captain is remarkable and deep:

• He must know every inch of his vessel

• He must understand the power of the motors 

• He must know the size and stresses of each sail and the masts they ride upon

• He must have a good relationship with his crew

• He must realize, HE CANNOT DO IT ALL 

The role of the father in the house must be open and have a base Kenostic catalyst in order for future and continued successes. The father’s role in the house must imitate the way Christ Jesus moves in his life – open and accepting. Kenosis defined in the father/dad – his heart and mind must be open to receive criticism, heartache, frustration and moments of solitude while in a crowd of people or engaged in conversation with the members of his family.  A father must empty out of himself so his family can grow and feed into each other’s days.

KEY FOR SUCCESS

Dad, you are not the only smart person in the house!!

The new or rediscovered father must do the following to have peace and success in his house:

• He must look ahead with bright & positive attitude

• He must trust and believe in all the members of his house

• He must understand that the burden of the family is not a one person adventure

• He must be willing to COMMUNICATE WITH HIS WIFE

• He must be willing to talk and listen to his family’s needs and see their inherited abilities

• He must know the character / personality of his soul mate and TRUST HER to take the wheel from time to time

• He must realize, He Cannot Do It All On His Own

All of the above and more can lead to a great many successful voyages.

Family life should be likened to the life of the crew of a sailboat. They are varied in size, capabilities and can handle certain situations and storms with / without a full complement (crew). Certain situations can be so overwhelming that it may take the entire family’s prayers, discussions and tears to reach a final and good decision to keep the boat afloat. That is, if the crew has been given all of the information about the storm facing the family.

LEARNING CURVE

Growing up, there was a simple rule for the children of the house concerning adult conversation, “kids are to stay out of adult conversation.” Well, after commenting in three different conversations, I removed myself from the room as soon as Mother’s friends would show up with that, I Need Help Look. Their business to me was their business.

Now that I have a family of my own, I keep to the same rule, but have found myself leaving the room when my wife’s friends come to the house.  Their business is their business. Well, that is if she wants me to be in the conversation and my wisdom is of value and warranted. This took time to learn and receive on both parts. Questions would arise to the nature of me leaving the room and how far I trust my wife. My answer is always the same; they are my wife’s friends and their conversation should not involve me unless my wife is in the room. 

Trust and Respect follows great and open communication. Texting me while we are in the same house, shows glimpses of a limited and dying relationship. If we are unable to open our mouths and speak to all members of our family about any approaching storm, the family’s sailboat will begin to take on water and ultimately sink.

SURE FOOTING

Though the deck of any ocean-going vessel is slippery, the short, shoulder wide steps allow each member of the crew to get around the boat safely and complete needed tasks to keep the voyage enjoyable.

–said like a DAD in development

When each person moves in the house with pride and care, each is careful not to create confusion or step on any toes in order to keep the peace and the family focused on making it through the storm with an ability to completely enjoy those days of sunshine and smooth waters.

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A call comes in from the school. She introduces herself as a school official; the teacher of my daughter who is in the 2nd grade.  The caller seems to be nice. The then asks to speak to one of my daughter’s parents. My answer, “I am her dad, can I help you?”

Her next question not only made my skin crawl and quickly heated my last seated nerve (made my a - -  hot if you have ever gotten that mad before). The angering aspect of this call is that I have met this woman the year earlier, when she was the teacher of one of my elder children. And then she keeps speaking into my fire.

“Sir, do you live with them?”

At this point I can say nothing that would be considered as being honorable, professional or nearing a sweet response. I take a deep breath and put the phone on the arm of the sofa. Looking at my wife while the steam flowed from the top of my head, I motioned for her to pick up the telephone.

Has our communities de-evolved so much that they align to the scripted “absent father” as seen in Toy Story?

My personal story with my children has been to make myself constantly visible with school administrators, while they move to link every man in to the box of being absentee or inactive in the lives of their children.  Past conversations with teachers during Parent/Teacher Conferences have been filled with a great deal of tension and uninspired gazes. Some have had the opening question, “is your wife ill, than why you are here?”  A smile and an answer to quickly move into the reasons of the yearly meeting becomes the catalyst for keeping my cool. I know my daughters and feed into them so they can be prepared for life. Why is it the school district and the powers-that-be in television, think it okay to try and limit the role of the dad?

The idea that “Father Knows Best” has been erased and replaced with visions of an absent-minded, bubble-headed fool (who by the way was just lucky enough to marry one of the smartest and most aggressively beautiful woman on the planet) trying to handle a task given to him by the woman who rules and runs all facets of rearing the kids to become great and prosperous adults.

This cannot be the norm.

In recent articles, studies have garnered the grace administered when both parents are deeply involved in the rearing of their children (Two Parents Can Create Intelligent Children) and show the benefits are apparent when these children reach their tween and teenage years. This falls in lines with the dreams that grow during the varying trimesters of pregnancy and the visions of what we want in our children and then flashbacks that we think were failures during our own tutelage from our parent(s).

In the 22nd chapter of the book of Proverbs, we are instructed to feed into our children so they can make the best decisions during their later years. But then we run into school districts that try and tell us that it should be the mother involved in the rearing of our young girls and boys.  It takes BOTH parents to construct a good child and great adults.

A mother can:

• teach her daughter how to become a respectful and strong woman
• teach her daughter how to be a good support system for the man who will love her
• teach her son to be confident when silly girls will dump him for not looking like other boys
• teach her son how to return love to a woman who loves him
• teach her son how to aid his family in trusting one another

A father can:

• teach his daughter what not to accept and what standards she should set for those who will replace him for her years of life without him
• teach his daughter to believe in herself no matter what stupid boys will say about her
• teach his son to treat the women in his life as a gift 
• teach his son to be prepare for the storms that will come upon his family

My frustration comes when visits to doctor and dentist offices are filled with the similar questions asking if the father has permission to sign medical releases and be in the room with his child. Legal issues or just unwarranted summations and questions offered by professionals who are so stuck in their jobs they want to see how limited the father is in their roles of rearing their children?  I can be a little over the top, but enough is truly enough.

It is considerably possible for the father to make some mistakes in the raising of their children. But out of mistakes, both the child and the father can learn from the active portions of their relationship. They learn what fellowship truly is. It is the active movement in growing into one another through trust and love. Yeah, some dads can become overbearing in the relationship with their sons and daughters and seem to be like “Paul Bunyan” in their attempts to teach their children to knock down the giants of life earlier and a little more often, or like “Heathcliff Huxtable” and have all the answers and deliver them with laughter and unscripted humility and love.  But in both areas, these types of fathers make the journey into adulthood stronger in each step their children are taking.

Recently, I met a good friend for breakfast and he rehearsed his frustrations about a visit to school (not in the same school district as my child) to pick up his sick son’s homework.  In his retelling the story, tears of anger fell from his eyes as his anger was being kindled by the memory of being disrespected for being a caring parent. This opened up the realization of the question which was given me in the telephone call I received from my child’s teacher. If am called on my home phone, which has my name listed on it, asking questions about the child that is carrying my last name and after I have identified myself with the name that corresponds on all the records available, why the debasing questions?

My answer to my friend was to have a discussion with faculty about their approach toward young fathers and make request of the school district to rephrase their stance against active dads. But discussion with one school district may not be enough. It will take the movement of a great deal of parents, who want the best for their children; in and out of the home.  Frustrated parents tend not to support the schools that continually aggravate them.

The man answering my phone……

…… is the active father of seven daughters and one son who he intends on creating so many active paths for their success in later life, they will not think of not following in his footsteps of being an active parent.

photo credit: splityarn via photopin cc

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Friendship has been defined as a relationship which consists of mutual respect and admiration bound up in trust.

Finding this in this society could be just as easy as walking out in your yard and digging up a 5 carat diamond.

Some of our days seem like the best companion we could ever meet is loneliness.

And then there are those days that that one person says the right thing and empowers you to keep on pushing through the storm.

It takes time to learn how to deal with people and their little quirks. So we tend to seek solitude and lean inward in all group discussions and house parties; we become accustomed to being alone in a crowd of people. They seem strange because we see them as too adventurous and joyful. They are similar to those shrubs and little trees which pop up in the corners of backyards and are trimmed out of existence. They offer change which was not desired nor requested.

Friendship has to be the association of people who care for one another so deeply that they are not afraid to speak the truth to you and the mere thought of betraying them hurts you so much you refuse to cross that line.

I can tell you that for the longest time in my life, I was hugged up with distrust for those who were not like me. If they did not come from the same area or had not experienced similar failures in life; I did not want a thing to do with them. But there comes a time in all our days that we have to accept the calling of maturation and wisdom. My choice came three years ago. I am all the better for it.

Not to drudge up a story requiring three violins softly playing in the background, I don’t feel like the odd man out any longer when I am being engaged in this group of men. Trust for a man is a hard thing to develop. It becomes difficult when it has to be sustained at a high level.

Friendship has been defined as a fellowship of associates willing to give their last to keep the other alive and well.

Maintaining a strong level of trust requires each party willing to take on all criticism and then change after being hurt. This is called growing up. This is called becoming an adult.

As a boy, we are taught to become “Kings of the Hill” and then later in life, we want to become “Kings of our Castles.” The entire time we alienate those we are supposed to love because we are on a direct mission to conquer those people and things we desire to have as possessions. In the middle of all of this, somehow Christ stuck His Hands in the lives of the four guys you see in this blog and created a fellowship that is still growing and still using the members to teach each other and test the boundaries of love and hate.  Yes, I said love. We have gotten off of the macho horse and seek each other out to make sure each is still holding on and willing to love the people in their homes, not as possessions, but as the gifts God has blessed us with.

This is the catalyst that is cementing our friendships.

I think we are on equal ground.

That is just strange.

Normally when there are a group of friends, one is chosen the leader and the others follow. But in this group we all seek to push one another toward the example of Jesus and then squint to see if those same qualities are being developed in our personal walks.

It is evident that growth has taken place in this group. We bounce our daily decisions off of one another, fully expecting to be slammed if the quest doesn’t make sense or will not be profitable for the family in question.

Friendship has been defined as having unlimited bounds that each party accepts and is willing to move toward to keep the unit strong and viable.

I am no longer alone in a crowd of people.

I am amongst friends.

photo credit: *Click-64* "MERRY CHRISTMAS" via photopin cc

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